


This Too Shall Pass

by ShadowHaloedAngel



Category: Jrock
Genre: Gen, Introspection, POV First Person, just an angsty little drabble, the relationship is only really if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-28
Updated: 2012-09-28
Packaged: 2017-11-15 05:15:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/523550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowHaloedAngel/pseuds/ShadowHaloedAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the recent charity auction, where the prospect of a 90 minute dinner with Yoshiki reached the highest price of any item on offer at $37100, Yoshiki thinks about everything that is part of his career, and what he's found and lost throughout, whether he's still the same person he ever was, and what it is that has made him who he is today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Too Shall Pass

It has been so long, so long since the very beginning. So many faces over the years have blurred into one, and there are days I still remember as if it were yesterday.

There are so many who love me now, and are not shy in expressing it, so many around the world it is impossible for me to know them all, numbering in their thousands, their hundreds of thousands... and in all honesty, at times their love scares me. But they mean well, I know that. 

They tell me I have saved their lives, some of them, and perhaps I have, though the thought is strange to me. I suppose if I could not save him, if I could not save them, then it is something at least, that I have saved these others. If only I had the strength to save myself, but I have nothing. It is only the fire inside me, which is flickering at best, which keeps me going, and they stoke it, day by day, allowing me to face another dawn, another day without sleep in an attempt to escape the memories that haunt my dreams and leave me sobbing into my pillow, exhausted beyond the reach of Morpheus himself, and lost to pain. 

Everything has been for them, everything has been in their gaze, and it has been so hard to keep secrets, although over the years I have learned my ways. As it is, now I have some idea what I am worth to them, though in truth, I suspect it could be much more... they tell me I am priceless, I wonder. 

I have sold my soul, time and again, I have auctioned my piano, the money going to a better cause than I could ever be. I have auctioned my drumsticks... and now I have auctioned myself, my time. An hour and a half of it, though I wonder if in the end it might be longer... my dear fans, so many of them bid, and bid so much... it must have left so many heart broken, and I wonder if it would ever be possible for me to eat with them all... I doubt it, but for this, I have even considered cooking, myself, if it is what they want, although I doubt I will have time, and in truth, I am not particularly gifted in the kitchen. 

I don't know what they will choose to eat, it is their choice, of course, it is all their choice, and I must fit my schedule around it, once the details have been agreed - but I am happy to do so. They are my fans, there is nothing I can deny them. 

To be face to face with them for such a time though, it is unnerving, in a way. At concerts, or publicity opportunities, or photoshoots, it takes only a few minutes, though each time is sweet. It is a daunting prospect to be faced with such a length of time with one who idolises me so, though I suppose some might find the idea refreshing. I will not have to defend my decisions, but... it is hard to relax around someone who sees you in such a light. Not as a professional, necessarily, nor as a friend. Almost certainly not as an equal, but as an idol, instead, someone for whom they have such love... it makes me so shy. 

Even after all these years, I still get shy, I still find myself wondering what others think of me, and afraid to come out of my shell. I only hope I will not let them down. They have spent their money for this, after all, and it has gone to a good cause. It would not be fair of me to let them down, and so I shall not. 

Whatever happens, I must be strong. I wish he was still here. He would know what to say in this situation, he would tell me to stop being such an idiot, he would make me laugh, and take away the tension which is making me ache... but he is not, and so I must do it myself. Be strong, Yoshiki, be brave... it is a long time since I have been able to be brave. 

Another day, another night, another dawn closer to the time when all of this will come to an end, and I will wake to a smiling face I have missed for so long. 

This too, shall pass.


End file.
